I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool