Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*