You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Watermelon Boss!
Venn
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell