Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
nobody’s gonna understand
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Omg 🤣
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.