I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
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STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Herpes is trending, good job people
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
me hooking up with my ex
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.