What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
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BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does