There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*me flirting
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*