The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
the three genders
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS