Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.