From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’