Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
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Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.