I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
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My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Isn’t
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.