Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
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Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens