Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
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[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
If snakes were wide
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote