A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot