Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
こいつ天才
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…