My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Saw online –
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.