“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.