My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting