My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
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How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Guys, I found it.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….