Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining