*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
#SaturdayBears
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*