Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
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This did not end as expected.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
wow he looks just like him
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Rooting for the overdog
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes