Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
🔦🌙👣
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.