Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone鈥檚 email address.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You鈥檙e out of bagel bites
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I鈥檝e just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I鈥檝e since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 馃槤
I鈥檓 currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Pickled cat.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely