bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
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termite twitter scares me
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
😆this is so true
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”