Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
🤔😂😂
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.