Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.