Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”