JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Aight bet
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.