‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
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Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes