Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.