It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.