What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
You Might Also Like
Sorry. Not sorry
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.