Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
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Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.