Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
😂😂😂
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*