At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
You’ll be OK
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”