Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
not for long
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Wait a minute
The symmetry is uncanny.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.