We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
love pickles so much i put myself in one
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I like long walks away from everyone
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.