My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”