{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
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Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A short story of betrayal:
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.