I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Mountain Goat : )
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut