*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.