[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
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Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
am i feeling hopeful about the future?