[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.