Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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Me)Print
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Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000