Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
You Might Also Like
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Lmbo
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.