A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Yes, this is exactly right
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.