My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
You Might Also Like
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
#Caturday
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.