Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.